contact part deux

[bouchonne]

if this were modern times byerly would probably make you listen to total eclipse of the heart before you were able to leave a message

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[coquettish_trees]

[ He’s doing it again. It’s as if he can’t hear her at all, as if there is a demon that thrives on misery in his ear translating—

Is—

Is this what she is doing? Not truly listening, but hearing only what she is most afraid to hear every time he speaks?

The frustration melts from her face, replaced by furtive curiosity as she sits up. ]

Can we not hear one another?

[bouchonne]

[ His gaze comes around to her. ]

What do you mean?

[coquettish_trees]

[ She looks absent for a moment, frowning slightly in thought as she touches the new idea on different sides to see what it is, then looks at him again, her head tilting to the side. ]

Do I frustrate you because sometimes when you speak I hear things you do not mean, and am hurt by them?

[bouchonne]

[ He hesitates, then says - ]

Yes.

[coquettish_trees]

[ A slow nod. Her gaze turns inward again, outward again after a moment. ]

You do it as well. Hear things I do not say.

[ She uncurls, lets her knees fall to the side. Rests her hands in her lap. ]

Bastien can hear the both of us, what we mean, but sometimes we cannot hear each other. Often, perhaps.

[bouchonne]

[ In his defense - ]

You often say what you don't mean.

[coquettish_trees]

[ She lifts a shoulder- yes, but- ]

And sometimes I mean what I do not say, yes. But so do you, and that does not explain why when I say “loving you makes me afraid” you hear “I am afraid of you,” and continue to hear that until Bastien says that is not what I mean.

I am not afraid of you, it is not the same thing. But that is what you hear, and it hurts you as if that is what I have said.

[bouchonne]

But it is what you mean.

[ He looks away again. ]

You said it, in the dream. And you say it now - it's just semantics, the difference between loving you makes me afraid and you make me afraid. [ A shake of his head. ] You love Loki, and did not fear him enough to cast him aside.

[ And then, a painful confession - ]

I would have had a great deal more peace if you'd said to me, I never loved you, rather than I loved you and feared you. I think I was much more peaceful before you confessed your true motives to me.

[coquettish_trees]

It is not merely semantics, it is not what I mean, and I was afraid enough. I tried to cast him aside. At a ball in Minrathous. It failed, because I was so distraught, so outside myself with fear of loving him that I had forgotten we had planned just that. For me to spurn him brutally such that a rival of his would approach me as a potential ally and I should be in good position to undermine them. He was ready for it, played directly into it, and I felt trapped, and lost, and...

[ She closes her eyes and breathes so she will stop. So she will not work herself to frenzy. Makes herself quiet again. ]

If I had had time, then. If someone had made me stop. If I had had Genevieve to go to instead of only Emile, who saw it as the perfect chance to steer me back on the course she wished for me— but I did not. Nothing was there to slow me, or to make you believe me still an ally and so speak to me again. By the time I understood what I had done you were gone, and I was so far in my own pain I did not try to stop you.

[ She shakes her head and is softer still. ]

Just earlier, I ran. I was overwhelmed and I ran and you were sharp with me for running, and it made me stop and speak.

That is what he did. I tried again, that night. To break with him and leave, but he gripped me by the arm and would not let me go until I told him why.

[ She’d screamed it at him like a hunting hawk. ]

The difference is not in the fear, and not in the love. It is that all those years ago, I ran and nothing stopped me.

[bouchonne]

[ But he shakes his head. This is a far deeper wound than can be stitched up by any mere tale. Let alone a blow-by-blow of just how she and her detested husband romanced each other. ]

Lexie. Honestly. I am a frightening person. Everyone in the world looks at me and sees malice and evil intent. I cannot be surprised that someone as dreadfully wounded as you were saw the same.

[coquettish_trees]

I am...

[ She pulls her knees back up and rests her head on them again. ]

I love you. I love you and I am so angry with you right now for not believing me and instead telling yourself your own story that hurts you and saying it is mine.

[bouchonne]

[ Frustration bubbling up: ]

You said it. In the dream.

[coquettish_trees]

I said what.

[bouchonne]

That I reminded you of him!

[untiltheyarent]

I don't know that I have much to say about Nevarrans.

[She smiles faintly, coming to perch on the chair opposite Byerly's desk.]

Good or bad, I mean. I haven't met all that many, and never been to Nevarra itself.

[bouchonne]

What, don't you know my glorious lady wife?

[untiltheyarent]

[A subtle shake of her head.]

Not personally, messere, though I know of her. She is quite distinguished.

[coquettish_trees]

[ Even from how she sits she’s fast. On her feet in an instant and reaching to hold his face; thumbs slanted across his cheeks, fingers curling into his hair, everything about her taut and intent. ]

You have never reminded me of him. Never.

[bouchonne]

But -

[ He looks at her, slowly lifting his gaze to hers. His beautiful eyes are anguished, narrowed with pain as tightly as they'd have been if it were a physical torture he was enduring. ]

You said as much. And what I did to you -

[ Treated her like he had. Captured her, drugged her, humiliated her - ]

[bouchonne]

She is.

[ There's real warmth in his voice. ]

And what about the twin kings of bad moods? You don't know them?

[coquettish_trees]

Never.

[ Her eyes are sharp and fierce in their earnest focus. ]

You are not like him. You are nothing like him.

Tu as compris?

[ Her fingers curl harder. ]

Est-ce que tu m’as compris?

[untiltheyarent]

[This yields a slightly larger smile, though it's still restrained, in its way.]

Again, not personally, though Messere Kostos' office was under my care, for a time.

[Until he got his ass fired from the leadership position, but there's no need to trot that out.]

Not many have reason to talk to me, Messere. I suppose one might say it's my own fault, but I have gratitude for the quiet.

[bouchonne]

[ He lifts his brows, pouring her a glass of wine. Then, because she asked that he speak plainly: ]

Do you have a side career, madame?

[ Well. Plainly-ish. ]

[untiltheyarent]

Outside of Riftwatch? No.

[She raises her glass to him, waiting for him to pour his own before she takes a drink.]

[bouchonne]

[ The muscles in his jaw jump. He presses his eyes shut. ]

Not so different. [ A miserable half-laugh - ] Didn't that confirm it for you? The dream? That the only difference between him and me is that people are able to see me coming.