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contact part deux
if this were modern times byerly would probably make you listen to total eclipse of the heart before you were able to leave a message
[ A pause, and then gently: ]
Look at me.
Look at me.
[ She is smiling sadly, and the same soft sorrow is in her eyes. ]
Unfair is not unfeared. It…
[ A pause, while she briefly adjusts one of her strawberries. ]
If Rifters are dreams born of the instability of the Fade, once we have won this war… there is no guarantee the defeat of Corypheus will not mean the disappearance of them all.
But even then… do you wish to spend your days in rebuilding and bringing peace and order to a land you have no love for? To take residence at an estate in Marnas Pell and tour land to hear complaints and judge disputes?
Unfair is not unfeared. It…
[ A pause, while she briefly adjusts one of her strawberries. ]
If Rifters are dreams born of the instability of the Fade, once we have won this war… there is no guarantee the defeat of Corypheus will not mean the disappearance of them all.
But even then… do you wish to spend your days in rebuilding and bringing peace and order to a land you have no love for? To take residence at an estate in Marnas Pell and tour land to hear complaints and judge disputes?
No, I am not.
[ She reaches for his hand again, in the hopes of holding it, stroking his fingers with her thumb ]
It is that… if Lord Odin lives and has not remarried, if Lord Thor lives and has not married… widow or wife, I am the only Lady of House Asgard. There was a long time I did not think it could be mine, but… to keep a home, to care for a land and a people. It is the life I was born to, the life I have always wanted.
A life with you beyond this war means more than choosing you. It means choosing Ferelden, for you will not leave your duty any more than I will leave mine.
You tried to tell me so, years ago, but I would not let you. I could understand nothing but the agony of wanting you.
[ She reaches for his hand again, in the hopes of holding it, stroking his fingers with her thumb ]
It is that… if Lord Odin lives and has not remarried, if Lord Thor lives and has not married… widow or wife, I am the only Lady of House Asgard. There was a long time I did not think it could be mine, but… to keep a home, to care for a land and a people. It is the life I was born to, the life I have always wanted.
A life with you beyond this war means more than choosing you. It means choosing Ferelden, for you will not leave your duty any more than I will leave mine.
You tried to tell me so, years ago, but I would not let you. I could understand nothing but the agony of wanting you.
[ A small shrug. ]
Yes.
[ That's all he can say with regards to that. Because it does cause him pain. Because if they weren't together, it would cause only a dull ache, instead of real agony. The knowledge she's lost, instead of the dread of losing her. ]
Yes.
[ That's all he can say with regards to that. Because it does cause him pain. Because if they weren't together, it would cause only a dull ache, instead of real agony. The knowledge she's lost, instead of the dread of losing her. ]
[ Alexandrie’s breath shudders at the simple sound, the way he looks. ]
I thought—
Do—
[ Her face crumples preemptively, one tear forming and falling too fast for her to blink it away. When she speaks is hushed, not trusting her voice to work if she speaks any louder. ]
Do you still want me, for all of the time we have?
I thought—
Do—
[ Her face crumples preemptively, one tear forming and falling too fast for her to blink it away. When she speaks is hushed, not trusting her voice to work if she speaks any louder. ]
Do you still want me, for all of the time we have?
[ The answer is, surely, clear enough. He's still with her, isn't he? Through all the agony that twists him into an unhappy, pained, limping creature. Through all his...incompetence, through all his worthlessness, through all his silent lumbering awkward wretchedness. He's still here. ]
I - Yes.
[ The confession is painful. Why is it painful? What's wrong with him? In his frustration and unhappiness, he lashes out just a little: ]
I just wish you were planning to go off with someone more worthy of you.
I - Yes.
[ The confession is painful. Why is it painful? What's wrong with him? In his frustration and unhappiness, he lashes out just a little: ]
I just wish you were planning to go off with someone more worthy of you.
[ She has pulled a handkerchief from somewhere and covered her face, shoulders shaking slightly with the effort of containing herself. The sudden terror, sudden surety of his loss, the wretched relief when the blow she had braced for did not come.
Muffled slightly by it: ]
I do not want to talk of him. Or some future that may be years away, one I may not even see.
[ A little hiccup of a sob, and then ]
I love you.
Muffled slightly by it: ]
I do not want to talk of him. Or some future that may be years away, one I may not even see.
[ A little hiccup of a sob, and then ]
I love you.
Byerly.
[ A muffled groan at his continuation of the topic. Even so she sniffs emphatically, dabs at her eyes, and reappears from behind the handkerchief to rather thickly ask ]
Do you want to talk of him? Or do you want to eat strawberries and have coffee and hear that his being here does not mean I am leaving.
[ A muffled groan at his continuation of the topic. Even so she sniffs emphatically, dabs at her eyes, and reappears from behind the handkerchief to rather thickly ask ]
Do you want to talk of him? Or do you want to eat strawberries and have coffee and hear that his being here does not mean I am leaving.
I will admit straight from the top that this is a very petty complaint, Ambassador, but I have gotten a terrible sunburn going about the business of Riftwatch. I know there's nothing to be done about it, but I had to tell someone who isn't here.
[ She is quiet then, for a time; hands and handkerchief lowering to her lap, her gaze following. She smooths it, straightens it, both slowly. Finally she looks up at him again, doleful. Speaks softly. ]
I feel as if you ask for reassurance, but as if I cannot give it without it meaning you are hurt or you believing I am foolish. Taken in by a man that I would surely know for monster if I could see aright.
I feel as if you ask for reassurance, but as if I cannot give it without it meaning you are hurt or you believing I am foolish. Taken in by a man that I would surely know for monster if I could see aright.
[ Giving you over.
So he does think of her, a little, as his.
She hesitates, then slowly rises so she can move to him and sit on his knee. So she can touch the side of his face. ]
Distant need not mean lost.
I will not stop loving you, and there are boats in the world and any number of reasons I might use to take them south.
[ She lets her hand fall into her lap. Looks down at it, then back at Byerly. ]
There was a time I could have told you yes; I will be safe, well taken care of. Loved beyond measure. A mother, perhaps, with two little boys.
[ But they are gone, too, if her husband is. Dreams only. A ward perhaps, someday— war makes as many orphans as it does widows— but Alexandrie will have no children of her own. She will not bear for one she does not love, and the men she loves who live will not— or cannot— be sires.
Her nostrils flare slightly, breath fluttering from them as her eyes shine wetly. ]
I forget sometimes when I speak. That it is not him. It is so easy to forget. I remember over and over and—
[ Alexandrie was not built to hold this any more than she was built to hold the brutality of court. For all her skill at complexities, in her heart she is a simple thing: she loves and wants to be loved, holds and wants to be held. She likes the sun and the water, birds and wind, stories and flowers and stars, and everything she feels fills her body to the brim where it overflows in laughter, kisses, tears.
Tears, now. Slow and quiet. ]
And so I do not know, any longer. I know only that I am tired of war and I would like to paint the trees.
And that I love you.
So he does think of her, a little, as his.
She hesitates, then slowly rises so she can move to him and sit on his knee. So she can touch the side of his face. ]
Distant need not mean lost.
I will not stop loving you, and there are boats in the world and any number of reasons I might use to take them south.
[ She lets her hand fall into her lap. Looks down at it, then back at Byerly. ]
There was a time I could have told you yes; I will be safe, well taken care of. Loved beyond measure. A mother, perhaps, with two little boys.
[ But they are gone, too, if her husband is. Dreams only. A ward perhaps, someday— war makes as many orphans as it does widows— but Alexandrie will have no children of her own. She will not bear for one she does not love, and the men she loves who live will not— or cannot— be sires.
Her nostrils flare slightly, breath fluttering from them as her eyes shine wetly. ]
I forget sometimes when I speak. That it is not him. It is so easy to forget. I remember over and over and—
[ Alexandrie was not built to hold this any more than she was built to hold the brutality of court. For all her skill at complexities, in her heart she is a simple thing: she loves and wants to be loved, holds and wants to be held. She likes the sun and the water, birds and wind, stories and flowers and stars, and everything she feels fills her body to the brim where it overflows in laughter, kisses, tears.
Tears, now. Slow and quiet. ]
And so I do not know, any longer. I know only that I am tired of war and I would like to paint the trees.
And that I love you.
[ He closes his eyes. He's quiet. Finally, slowly, he says - ]
And the only thing that I know is that I don't - Is that I want to make you all right. With every ounce of my energy, I just want to make certain that you're all right.
[ A plaintive spread of his hands. And he says, apologetically - ]
I was not, honestly, displeased. When he absconded. And I am sorry to say such a thing, but...It made me feel steadier about your future, to have him gone.
And the only thing that I know is that I don't - Is that I want to make you all right. With every ounce of my energy, I just want to make certain that you're all right.
[ A plaintive spread of his hands. And he says, apologetically - ]
I was not, honestly, displeased. When he absconded. And I am sorry to say such a thing, but...It made me feel steadier about your future, to have him gone.
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