[ She meets his gaze with her own, helpless and sorrow-weary. ]
It was not his violence. Not the painting. Not the salon. It was that before that, for a year, he sent me letters. A hundred. More. All of them full of ardent declarations of feeling, then of love. Promises to marry me despite my being far below his station, to care for me always. It was that before he did those things, he knelt at my feet and kissed my hand like I awed him. He carried me to bed, touched me with incredible gentleness.
What destroyed me was that I loved him, that I believed with every part of myself that he loved me, and I was nothing to him.
Cruelty is everywhere in Orlais. I could have borne only his cruelty. What I could not bear is the thought that I might love where I thought I was loved, and have it not be so. And so, the moment I loved you...
[ She drops her eyes, picks at the threads in her robe. ]
It— he ruined me. Made it so that any time I feel safe and loved it is a sign that I am neither. Soothing myself into believing that I am, truly believing, is— it is more difficult than anything else I have ever done, and it breaks so easily. I am trying. [ Her eyes raise again, pained and earnest. ] I want so much to not be as I am. To not do this to you. [ to Bastien: ] Or to you.
But this— the three of us— it is new. It is a new affair, and I— I must needs be held as if I am new too, or...
[ She makes a little half-hearted gesture at the room. Or this. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 11:49 pm (UTC)[ She meets his gaze with her own, helpless and sorrow-weary. ]
It was not his violence. Not the painting. Not the salon. It was that before that, for a year, he sent me letters. A hundred. More. All of them full of ardent declarations of feeling, then of love. Promises to marry me despite my being far below his station, to care for me always. It was that before he did those things, he knelt at my feet and kissed my hand like I awed him. He carried me to bed, touched me with incredible gentleness.
What destroyed me was that I loved him, that I believed with every part of myself that he loved me, and I was nothing to him.
Cruelty is everywhere in Orlais. I could have borne only his cruelty. What I could not bear is the thought that I might love where I thought I was loved, and have it not be so. And so, the moment I loved you...
[ She drops her eyes, picks at the threads in her robe. ]
It— he ruined me. Made it so that any time I feel safe and loved it is a sign that I am neither. Soothing myself into believing that I am, truly believing, is— it is more difficult than anything else I have ever done, and it breaks so easily. I am trying. [ Her eyes raise again, pained and earnest. ] I want so much to not be as I am. To not do this to you. [ to Bastien: ] Or to you.
But this— the three of us— it is new. It is a new affair, and I— I must needs be held as if I am new too, or...
[ She makes a little half-hearted gesture at the room. Or this. ]