Judged. Lesser. Thought a poorer love because she cannot be what Bastien is and simply say she loves and make a joke without feeling like she lies because there are still other words she needs to say, more knots to untangle.
For the first time, and knowing it is petty, she resents him. That he can be kind and still and reassuring instead of a storm. That he and Byerly can love simply and warmly and everything hurts her, and that makes her want to leave again but she cannot, and she wants to explain it but she cannot, and that makes her want to scream but she cannot, and she cannot cry, and she cannot even be still because that is too much discomfort expressed.
So what? What else is there to do right now in this moment? ]
And I love you as well.
[ She raises her head, and sinks slowly to sit back against her pillow so that she won't be breaking contact if Byerly does not wish to let her go. To him: ]
I feel as if I cannot speak anymore, that if I do I will be imposing. But I also feel that if I do not speak, I shall either need to go away for a time to collect myself or begin dissembling, and I neither wish to cause you to feel abandoned nor to lie to you.
[ And to Bastien: ]
If I am kind to you now I worry you shall think me patronizing. If I ignore you, I worry you shall think me cold and unwelcoming.
[ She pulls up her knees again, looking a bit lost. ]
no subject
Judged. Lesser. Thought a poorer love because she cannot be what Bastien is and simply say she loves and make a joke without feeling like she lies because there are still other words she needs to say, more knots to untangle.
For the first time, and knowing it is petty, she resents him. That he can be kind and still and reassuring instead of a storm. That he and Byerly can love simply and warmly and everything hurts her, and that makes her want to leave again but she cannot, and she wants to explain it but she cannot, and that makes her want to scream but she cannot, and she cannot cry, and she cannot even be still because that is too much discomfort expressed.
So what? What else is there to do right now in this moment? ]
And I love you as well.
[ She raises her head, and sinks slowly to sit back against her pillow so that she won't be breaking contact if Byerly does not wish to let her go. To him: ]
I feel as if I cannot speak anymore, that if I do I will be imposing. But I also feel that if I do not speak, I shall either need to go away for a time to collect myself or begin dissembling, and I neither wish to cause you to feel abandoned nor to lie to you.
[ And to Bastien: ]
If I am kind to you now I worry you shall think me patronizing. If I ignore you, I worry you shall think me cold and unwelcoming.
[ She pulls up her knees again, looking a bit lost. ]
And so I do not know what to do at all.