It is not merely semantics, it is not what I mean, and I was afraid enough. I tried to cast him aside. At a ball in Minrathous. It failed, because I was so distraught, so outside myself with fear of loving him that I had forgotten we had planned just that. For me to spurn him brutally such that a rival of his would approach me as a potential ally and I should be in good position to undermine them. He was ready for it, played directly into it, and I felt trapped, and lost, and...
[ She closes her eyes and breathes so she will stop. So she will not work herself to frenzy. Makes herself quiet again. ]
If I had had time, then. If someone had made me stop. If I had had Genevieve to go to instead of only Emile, who saw it as the perfect chance to steer me back on the course she wished for me— but I did not. Nothing was there to slow me, or to make you believe me still an ally and so speak to me again. By the time I understood what I had done you were gone, and I was so far in my own pain I did not try to stop you.
[ She shakes her head and is softer still. ]
Just earlier, I ran. I was overwhelmed and I ran and you were sharp with me for running, and it made me stop and speak.
That is what he did. I tried again, that night. To break with him and leave, but he gripped me by the arm and would not let me go until I told him why.
[ She’d screamed it at him like a hunting hawk. ]
The difference is not in the fear, and not in the love. It is that all those years ago, I ran and nothing stopped me.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-02-25 08:26 pm (UTC)[ She closes her eyes and breathes so she will stop. So she will not work herself to frenzy. Makes herself quiet again. ]
If I had had time, then. If someone had made me stop. If I had had Genevieve to go to instead of only Emile, who saw it as the perfect chance to steer me back on the course she wished for me— but I did not. Nothing was there to slow me, or to make you believe me still an ally and so speak to me again. By the time I understood what I had done you were gone, and I was so far in my own pain I did not try to stop you.
[ She shakes her head and is softer still. ]
Just earlier, I ran. I was overwhelmed and I ran and you were sharp with me for running, and it made me stop and speak.
That is what he did. I tried again, that night. To break with him and leave, but he gripped me by the arm and would not let me go until I told him why.
[ She’d screamed it at him like a hunting hawk. ]
The difference is not in the fear, and not in the love. It is that all those years ago, I ran and nothing stopped me.