I meant before I came here I thought I was... what passed for happy. But—

[ She shakes her head a little. ]

I do not know what I thought you were. I did not think we should ever have crossed paths again, and I did not know what to do when I heard you. How to speak with you in any way but indirectly. To dance around it, to play, to mean everything and say nothing, and the moment we strayed from that we fought.

I could not bear to see you, or to not see you. To touch you, or to not. You traced the line of my throat at Ghislain and I could feel it for weeks when I closed my eyes, but you did not come to me. and when finally I made myself tell you I loved you still you said nothing of your own heart but that you could not give it, I—

I have never felt so lost for so long.