[ Bastien grins, sighs happily— ] Mon héros. [ —and then hitches his gut and squirms when Byerly's fingers return to the upper region of his neck for the second or third time. The ghost of his ticklish past, taking advantage of how utterly unguarded he is to seize brief possession of his body.
It's not a bad thing. But it does surprise him, and once he's paying attention, there's no stopping the faint tension of control from seeping back in.
All very subtle, barely conscious. He's still grinning. ]
[ Byerly's gasp is theatrical, the playfulness undiminished. But he notices that tension; his hand drifts up, leaving Bastien's neck to return to the safer(?) region of his scalp. ]
This honor - Maker, I cannot - Never have I heard such a thing come from your lips. I need to get a tattoo. I need to get eight tattoos.
[ And then there's a slight ebbing of the mock-shock, and he narrows his eyes slightly and tips his head incrementally to the side - do you want to talk about that? is a signal subtly given, but it's Bastien. So. ]
[ In his tittering over the idea of Byerly with eight tattoos, each finding a new way to depict his equality with the Black Fox, Bastien could at least pretend not to notice the look. If it were something he didn't want to talk about, or if he were willing to maybe leave By with the impression he did something wrong or stumbled on something traumatic.
He shakes his head, but it doesn't mean no. ]
It's nothing. [ With the same faint embarrassment as if he were admitting to having a security blanket or silly childhood nickname: ] I used to be very ticklish.
[ He peels himself off of By's shoulder to lean forward, as far as he can without standing up, to see what's on his desk. Only enough nosiness to be sure he isn't interrupting something very important, before he gets into it.
It being: ]
Amina, Anis, Lyes, and Eliya. Those are their names. Amina is older—she was tired. Poor thing. The rest are younger. Anis was sickly and acerbic—sometimes you remind me of him, when you are in a mood. Lyes was the most like me. He followed me around whenever he could. And Eliya was seven the last time I saw her. She'll be— [ a pause, to fend off misery ] —Athessa's age now, give or take. She wanted to join the army for the hats.
[ Unceremonious, this disclosure, but he means it as a gift. Something only ever given away in brief comments and implications, held now in an open palm so the whole outline is visible. ]
I hope you get to meet them. [ Wryly, ] If they are alive. Anis threatened to die every time he was annoyed. Maybe he made good on it.
[ It is a gift. He doesn't know what he's done to earn it - if, indeed, it was a matter of something to be earned. Sometimes Bastien simply gives gifts without expectation or demand. So. ]
I hope I get to meet them, too.
[ By tucks his chin up against the crown of Bastien's head. ]
If for no other reason to see whether you're the handsomest of your family.
[ He casts a look at Bastien, because of course the thought of Evil Bastien is going to earn a look. Strutting around wickedly? Probably wearing leather? Yes please. ]
You tempt me with a threat like that, you vixen. I curse the fact that I'm so deeply, irrevocably, faithfully in love with you.
[ They're going on two years and several hundred I love yous between them, but sometimes Bastien still blushes. This is one of those times. But he insists gamely on looking suave and a little bit evil despite it. ]
I am certain I can find another excuse, mon chaton.
[ He touches By's pretty mouth with his fingertips. ]
Put a hot cup on top of one of my books and who knows what sort of villain I'll become.
I am a selfish coward and I want proof it's possible.
[ That's half of it. The other half: ]
And it would be horrible if I did have them and you didn't have her. I think you will, I really do, or I wouldn't have pushed you about it. But you've always gotten so much less than you deserve, and I get more than I deserve, every time. I couldn't stand it.
[ Byerly's hand comes up to cup Bastien's face. His grip is fierce. ]
That is not true. More than you deserve - You haven't gotten half of what you deserve. You deserve more than the world, Bastien. And if there were something that made you happy - I wouldn't be envious.
[ For a moment, a flicker of doubt. Wouldn't he? He pushes it down, denies it. ]
The fact that you'd have it at all would be - beyond good. And I don't want my - situation - to keep you from what you deserve.
[ Bastien turns his head to kiss By's hand, squashing his cheek and mouth as required, and smiles with his eyes. ]
I know you don't. And now I really have to look for them, or you will blame yourself.
[ He leans his head the other way, to snuggle back into Byerly's shoulder, and sends his free hand around to join the other in holding him by the waist. ]
But I'll be so much more excited about it if I know things have worked out for you first, so let me wait a little longer. One more month.
[ The smile spreads to his mouth. It's getting ahead of things, of course, to assume he'll find them, and assume they'll want anything to do with him, and assume the inevitable initial awkward distance will be bridged and it will ever really be anything like having a family. But he can imagine this part clearly: introducing Byerly to people who matter, without any diplomatic calculations or cover stories or preexisting dislike or wariness to contend with, with all his love and pride out in the open. He's never been able to before. He wants to. ]
What's mine is yours.
[ Cheesy. True. Except for the books, the books are his. And the cello.
Anyway. ]
And if it does not work out for either of us, we will get five more dogs right away.
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Very.
[ He snuggles back in against By's shoulder. Maybe he'll just live like this. Change his Riftwatch job title to chair. ]
If you don't want me to talk to her, you should talk to her.
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You're relentless.
I don't want to talk to her.
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If you wish to, you have my permission to talk to her.
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Merci. And if I make it worse, you have my permission to hold it over my head until Satinalia.
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[ He rubs tenderly at Bastien’s neck. ]
I’ll be able to ask for foot rubs on demand. No matter how stinky my feet are.
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You can already do that. Unless you mean I'm not allowed to say anything or pretend to faint.
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[ He scratches lightly at his neck, up and down, as one would to a beloved cat. Or fox. ]
I love catching you in a swoon.
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It's not a bad thing. But it does surprise him, and once he's paying attention, there's no stopping the faint tension of control from seeping back in.
All very subtle, barely conscious. He's still grinning. ]
You might even be tied with the Black Fox.
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[ Byerly's gasp is theatrical, the playfulness undiminished. But he notices that tension; his hand drifts up, leaving Bastien's neck to return to the safer(?) region of his scalp. ]
This honor - Maker, I cannot - Never have I heard such a thing come from your lips. I need to get a tattoo. I need to get eight tattoos.
[ And then there's a slight ebbing of the mock-shock, and he narrows his eyes slightly and tips his head incrementally to the side - do you want to talk about that? is a signal subtly given, but it's Bastien. So. ]
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He shakes his head, but it doesn't mean no. ]
It's nothing. [ With the same faint embarrassment as if he were admitting to having a security blanket or silly childhood nickname: ] I used to be very ticklish.
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And you were tormented by your siblings, I suppose?
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[ He peels himself off of By's shoulder to lean forward, as far as he can without standing up, to see what's on his desk. Only enough nosiness to be sure he isn't interrupting something very important, before he gets into it.
It being: ]
Amina, Anis, Lyes, and Eliya. Those are their names. Amina is older—she was tired. Poor thing. The rest are younger. Anis was sickly and acerbic—sometimes you remind me of him, when you are in a mood. Lyes was the most like me. He followed me around whenever he could. And Eliya was seven the last time I saw her. She'll be— [ a pause, to fend off misery ] —Athessa's age now, give or take. She wanted to join the army for the hats.
[ Unceremonious, this disclosure, but he means it as a gift. Something only ever given away in brief comments and implications, held now in an open palm so the whole outline is visible. ]
I hope you get to meet them. [ Wryly, ] If they are alive. Anis threatened to die every time he was annoyed. Maybe he made good on it.
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I hope I get to meet them, too.
[ By tucks his chin up against the crown of Bastien's head. ]
If for no other reason to see whether you're the handsomest of your family.
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[ He casts a look at Bastien, because of course the thought of Evil Bastien is going to earn a look. Strutting around wickedly? Probably wearing leather? Yes please. ]
You tempt me with a threat like that, you vixen. I curse the fact that I'm so deeply, irrevocably, faithfully in love with you.
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I am certain I can find another excuse, mon chaton.
[ He touches By's pretty mouth with his fingertips. ]
Put a hot cup on top of one of my books and who knows what sort of villain I'll become.
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I'll be sure to steep some tea tonight.
[ But, less sexily... ]
Have you decided? To track them down?
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[ He sticks his nibbled finger into By's mouth, just far enough to roll his lower lip down into a pout, and gives him the truth. ]
I don't want to until you've heard from your sister.
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[ A ripple of confusion. ]
Why not?
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[ That's half of it. The other half: ]
And it would be horrible if I did have them and you didn't have her. I think you will, I really do, or I wouldn't have pushed you about it. But you've always gotten so much less than you deserve, and I get more than I deserve, every time. I couldn't stand it.
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[ Byerly's hand comes up to cup Bastien's face. His grip is fierce. ]
That is not true. More than you deserve - You haven't gotten half of what you deserve. You deserve more than the world, Bastien. And if there were something that made you happy - I wouldn't be envious.
[ For a moment, a flicker of doubt. Wouldn't he? He pushes it down, denies it. ]
The fact that you'd have it at all would be - beyond good. And I don't want my - situation - to keep you from what you deserve.
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I know you don't. And now I really have to look for them, or you will blame yourself.
[ He leans his head the other way, to snuggle back into Byerly's shoulder, and sends his free hand around to join the other in holding him by the waist. ]
But I'll be so much more excited about it if I know things have worked out for you first, so let me wait a little longer. One more month.
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[ And then, a grim little joke - anxious, unhappy, but a joke. ]
And then if it doesn't work out, I could use a little extra family.
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What's mine is yours.
[ Cheesy. True. Except for the books, the books are his. And the cello.
Anyway. ]
And if it does not work out for either of us, we will get five more dogs right away.
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