contact part deux

[bouchonne]

if this were modern times byerly would probably make you listen to total eclipse of the heart before you were able to leave a message

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[bouchonne]

I just...

[ He doesn't know what to say. Awkwardly: ]

I want to bring you happiness. That's all.

[coquettish_trees]

Happiness is only half a heart, and that if one is lucky.

[ Byerly Rutyer has not been lucky.

She wants to say this is why I envy him. You build walls with locked doors and give him the keys, then tell me to stay outside in the sun. What do you think that makes me feel I mean to you? But she doesn't know how to say it without it being a fight, and she doesn't want to fight, and so she is quiet instead. Quiet, and a little lonely. She rubs her thumb against his, to remember he is there, and then finally: ]

I want to be let to love you.

[bouchonne]

I -

[ There's a lump in his throat. He feels helpless. ]

I hope I am not preventing that.

[coquettish_trees]

[ If she doesn't breathe she is going to cry, and so Alexandrie closes her eyes and breathes as she was taught— slow, even, somewhere slightly apart— until frustrated tears are no longer a threat.

And then she does it a little longer, so that when she speaks it is steady. ]

Do you wish only happiness of me?

To know only what of me is charming and delightful, and that if I am ashamed and think there is something in me that would be painful, or sorrowful, or ugly for you to see you would be well pleased for me to show those parts of myself, of my heart, to another that I love but not to you?

[bouchonne]

[ He feels so utterly helpless. ]

That - That was not my meaning. I meant that I only want to give you happiness.

[coquettish_trees]

I do not want only happiness, unless you are only happy.

[ Still not tearful, for a blessing; but a little plaintive even so. ]

I want you.

[bouchonne]

[ He tries even harder to swallow. Still doesn't succeed. ]

You will blame yourself for the things that happened. [ And also - ] And I'm not that good, Lexie.

[coquettish_trees]

[ It makes her want to pinch him viciously, and so she does.

In her mind.

Truly, the only reproof is a light squeeze of his hand. ]

You may say so all the rest of the day, but when the sun sets your love for yourself will still little determine mine.

[ The first she ponders a moment, and then sighs through her nose. ]

If you tell me I should not blame myself, then... I will believe you and try not to. If it is such that I should, why do I deserve to be protected from the guilt that is rightly mine?

[bouchonne]

Because it's not rightly yours. It's - You'll assign yourself too much of it.

[ But - All right. All right, then. He presses his eyes closed, and rests his forehead against her a moment, and takes a breath. ]

I was - I ended up killing her husband. Because of what she talked me into. A man who was no saint, but who didn't deserve that fate, either.

[coquettish_trees]

[ It is such a quick shift that for a moment she is lost, left holding onto the thread and balance of her side of a conversation that of a sudden has ceased.

Antiva. We are in Antiva. He is young, and he has killed a man.

She draws the hand she holds to her lips for a moment, then shifts in his lap so she can curl herself closer. Can wind an arm up over his shoulder and cradle his head against hers. ]

Ah, mon coeur.

[ A soft sorrow, yes, but not of her guilt. It is for him, and a life forever changed. ]

She left you to bear it alone?

[bouchonne]

[ A short, bleak laugh. ]

She was the one who called for the guard.

[ Then, a shake of his head - ]

It was my own fault for being a fool. [ Again, he barely stops himself from adding. ]

[coquettish_trees]

No.

[ Those years ago she would call herself so—and worse—in bitterly blaming herself for her own shame, and he would never let her. She will not let him do it now. ]

It was hers, for using and betraying you.

[bouchonne]

[ He shakes his head. ]

I thought I was being some defender. A proper chevalier. Any little fop who thinks himself that grand is comical indeed.

[ Well. ]

Not that I forgive her. Monster that she is. But as the saying goes, you can't cheat an honest man.

[coquettish_trees]

You would not let me say such things of myself.

[bouchonne]

You would have no cause to say them.

[coquettish_trees]

I let myself believe that I, a Comte’s fifth daughter, was the grand heroine of a tale.

I was a fool to want so much to be such a one, to be loved as one, and for the crime of my foolishness I deserved my betrayal; he was a monster, yes, but were I honest, it should not have happened so.

[ She doesn’t believe it anymore, but even now that disbelief is so fragile that for a brief flash of a moment, in saying it, part of her does. ]

[bouchonne]

[ He goes tense under her. It's palpable where his skin meets hers. ]

Don't say any of that. Not even to prove a point.

[coquettish_trees]

[ She is quiet. Then a nod of acquiescence, small, against him. ]

I will not.

But I will not let you drink that poison any more than you will let me.

[bouchonne]

[ He's quiet a moment. But then: ]

A man died for my mistake, Lexie. I - [ He takes a breath. ] Died by my hand.

[coquettish_trees]

Do not think death and ruin did not follow me because of what he did.

[ She shakes her head a little. ]

I will not say it is the same, and I will not absolve you of that blood. But neither will I let you say believing her lies was your fault.

[ A pause. She curls her fingers into his hair. ]

Would you have done it, had you not thought you were protecting a woman you loved who needed you?

[bouchonne]

[ A pause. Softly: ]

No.

[ But he closes his eyes. ]

But since then, I've killed more men with less justification. It was my first, but not my last.

[coquettish_trees]

[ A little nod.

A long breath. ]

Do you think less of me, that I will hear these things and still love you?

[bouchonne]

I - don't think less of you. I think less of myself, I suppose.

[coquettish_trees]

[ Her head tilts unconsciously in her surprise.

Loki had been scathing when she’d finally seen what he had never wanted her to see; when she had known what he most loathed of himself and had the audacity to love him still. It had nearly ruined them.

She did not expect that, from Byerly. But she did not expect this either. ]

Why?

[bouchonne]

Because I feel like I've trapped you.

[ He leans his head against her. Inhales the scent of her hair. ]

Deceived you. If you love me, then - I've misled you in some way, twisted you all around. A wicked thing to do.