bouchonne | contact part deux

if this were modern times byerly would probably make you listen to total eclipse of the heart before you were able to leave a message

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From:

bouchonne

Mm.

[ He looks down and away, a little uncertain smile on his lips. He doesn't want to agree with her. That'd be unkind, especially at this moment. Instead: ]

I've had plenty of disappointing strawberries.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ Noncommittal little sentences he won’t look at her for, smiles that aren’t quite. He’s full of something that isn’t making it into words.

She waits a little, stirs cream into her coffee, and then looks at him. ]

What worries you?

From:

bouchonne

[ He gives a little shake of his head. ]

My worries - don't matter, Lexie. This is -

[ Your crisis. But, after a moment, he lets out a breath and says, painfully, aware of the wretchedness of this sentiment: ]

You came to me only in your husband's absence. His presence - or the presence of some form of him - will...cause changes, I should think.

From:

coquettish_trees

You may recall I made attempt whilst he was still here.

Perhaps you did not see it as such; but I did.

[ An old saw, but Alexandrie will take it to her pyre.

She stirs her coffee again, more to gather her thoughts than to attend to its mixing. Breathes. ]

They are the same in all the ways that made me love him, and so I will. Perhaps they are the same in all the ways that made him love me, and so perhaps he will.

I cannot say there will not be change. But—

I do not think it will be bad. I think I will be calmer, will stop making both of us wretched with my swinging back and forth betwixt trying to drag everything I need from you— including what you have said is a danger to you— and trying to convince myself I do not need what I do.

[ Stir.

More softly: ]

There are things Bastien gives you that I cannot. I think when I, too, have someone else to love me I will be less envious of the ways in which you love him that are not mine to have.

From:

bouchonne

[ He doesn't look up. Just stirs his coffee. ]

And if he decides to go. Will you abandon me for him?

[ That keen, painful fear that lives always in his heart. That knowledge that they're finite. That in time, she'll choose someone else. ]

From:

coquettish_trees

[ A pause, and then gently: ]

Look at me.

From:

bouchonne

I'm sorry.

[ He apologizes at once, forcing his gaze up to meet hers. ]

That question is - unfair. Unkind. There is no...abandoning going on. I am sorry.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ She is smiling sadly, and the same soft sorrow is in her eyes. ]

Unfair is not unfeared. It…

[ A pause, while she briefly adjusts one of her strawberries. ]

If Rifters are dreams born of the instability of the Fade, once we have won this war… there is no guarantee the defeat of Corypheus will not mean the disappearance of them all.

But even then… do you wish to spend your days in rebuilding and bringing peace and order to a land you have no love for? To take residence at an estate in Marnas Pell and tour land to hear complaints and judge disputes?

From:

bouchonne

[ Rather stiffly: ]

I hope you are not saying that living in Ferelden would be as intolerable to you as living in Tevinter would be to others.

From:

coquettish_trees

No, I am not.

[ She reaches for his hand again, in the hopes of holding it, stroking his fingers with her thumb ]

It is that… if Lord Odin lives and has not remarried, if Lord Thor lives and has not married… widow or wife, I am the only Lady of House Asgard. There was a long time I did not think it could be mine, but… to keep a home, to care for a land and a people. It is the life I was born to, the life I have always wanted.

A life with you beyond this war means more than choosing you. It means choosing Ferelden, for you will not leave your duty any more than I will leave mine.

You tried to tell me so, years ago, but I would not let you. I could understand nothing but the agony of wanting you.

From:

bouchonne

[ A small shrug. ]

Yes.

[ That's all he can say with regards to that. Because it does cause him pain. Because if they weren't together, it would cause only a dull ache, instead of real agony. The knowledge she's lost, instead of the dread of losing her. ]

From:

coquettish_trees

[ Alexandrie’s breath shudders at the simple sound, the way he looks. ]

I thought—

Do—

[ Her face crumples preemptively, one tear forming and falling too fast for her to blink it away. When she speaks is hushed, not trusting her voice to work if she speaks any louder. ]

Do you still want me, for all of the time we have?

From:

bouchonne

[ The answer is, surely, clear enough. He's still with her, isn't he? Through all the agony that twists him into an unhappy, pained, limping creature. Through all his...incompetence, through all his worthlessness, through all his silent lumbering awkward wretchedness. He's still here. ]

I - Yes.

[ The confession is painful. Why is it painful? What's wrong with him? In his frustration and unhappiness, he lashes out just a little: ]

I just wish you were planning to go off with someone more worthy of you.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ She has pulled a handkerchief from somewhere and covered her face, shoulders shaking slightly with the effort of containing herself. The sudden terror, sudden surety of his loss, the wretched relief when the blow she had braced for did not come.

Muffled slightly by it: ]

I do not want to talk of him. Or some future that may be years away, one I may not even see.

[ A little hiccup of a sob, and then ]

I love you.

From:

bouchonne

I love you, too.

[ That's a little easier. ]

But I don't trust him. That he will be as you deserve.

From:

coquettish_trees

Byerly.

[ A muffled groan at his continuation of the topic. Even so she sniffs emphatically, dabs at her eyes, and reappears from behind the handkerchief to rather thickly ask ]

Do you want to talk of him? Or do you want to eat strawberries and have coffee and hear that his being here does not mean I am leaving.

From:

bouchonne

[ Frustrated: ]

I just want you to be safe and well.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ She is quiet then, for a time; hands and handkerchief lowering to her lap, her gaze following. She smooths it, straightens it, both slowly. Finally she looks up at him again, doleful. Speaks softly. ]

I feel as if you ask for reassurance, but as if I cannot give it without it meaning you are hurt or you believing I am foolish. Taken in by a man that I would surely know for monster if I could see aright.

From:

bouchonne

[ He shakes his head. Draws breath, hesitates, then draws breath again and says - ]

You must understand that - The thought of losing you, of the end of it, is - It would be one thing if I felt that I were giving you over to safety and joy.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ Giving you over.

So he does think of her, a little, as his.

She hesitates, then slowly rises so she can move to him and sit on his knee. So she can touch the side of his face. ]

Distant need not mean lost.

I will not stop loving you, and there are boats in the world and any number of reasons I might use to take them south.

[ She lets her hand fall into her lap. Looks down at it, then back at Byerly. ]

There was a time I could have told you yes; I will be safe, well taken care of. Loved beyond measure. A mother, perhaps, with two little boys.

[ But they are gone, too, if her husband is. Dreams only. A ward perhaps, someday— war makes as many orphans as it does widows— but Alexandrie will have no children of her own. She will not bear for one she does not love, and the men she loves who live will not— or cannot— be sires.

Her nostrils flare slightly, breath fluttering from them as her eyes shine wetly. ]

I forget sometimes when I speak. That it is not him. It is so easy to forget. I remember over and over and—

[ Alexandrie was not built to hold this any more than she was built to hold the brutality of court. For all her skill at complexities, in her heart she is a simple thing: she loves and wants to be loved, holds and wants to be held. She likes the sun and the water, birds and wind, stories and flowers and stars, and everything she feels fills her body to the brim where it overflows in laughter, kisses, tears.

Tears, now. Slow and quiet. ]

And so I do not know, any longer. I know only that I am tired of war and I would like to paint the trees.

And that I love you.

From:

bouchonne

[ He closes his eyes. He's quiet. Finally, slowly, he says - ]

And the only thing that I know is that I don't - Is that I want to make you all right. With every ounce of my energy, I just want to make certain that you're all right.

[ A plaintive spread of his hands. And he says, apologetically - ]

I was not, honestly, displeased. When he absconded. And I am sorry to say such a thing, but...It made me feel steadier about your future, to have him gone.

From:

coquettish_trees

[ There is a time she would have flown into a rage; self-righteous, defensive, accusatory. Bright and fierce and vicious, hot enough to parch her tears and consume the very air. Words chosen and sharpened to wound in retribution.

Now she only freezes for a moment. Looks away sharply. Loses her softness, stops breath, becomes a sculpture of herself. Listens to the words that spring into her throat—

How dare you speak of him so, you have never cared to understand—
What security do you think you could offer me—
A fine thing, to feel steadier about a future in which I am unhappy—

— and says none of them. Closes her eyes instead, and tries to breathe past the knife so casually buried in her back in the name of caring for her.

Finally she manages, although she does not look and becomes no softer. ]

He did not abscond, and his presence was an anchor of surety in my life such as I had never known. His loss has ripped every vestige of security I had come to believe in from me, and has spilled over the entirety of my life such that I trust in nothing.

Why is it you think I cannot bear to see you with Bastien, why I am forever begging for reassurances, why I am so desperate to believe you need me and yet nothing is enough?

[ She looks at her hands and shakes her head. Murmurs: ]

You would not wish this on me if you knew what having him had been.

From:

bouchonne

[ So I trust in nothing. A fine thought. But one he cannot allow himself to dwell on. Instead, he shakes his head. It's not the same. Because - ]

You know Bastien is a kind man. You've received kindnesses from him. I've never seen your husband show kindness to anyone.

From:

coquettish_trees

You did not know him.

[ This time there is heat, a force that sends Alexandrie to her feet and forward to grip a shelf at the wall. ]

He saved Colin’s life at the risk of his own. He wept when all his desperate art could not save his mother’s. He ignored his own exhaustion to heal the blisters on my feet each night we walked back to Kirkwall from Minrathous. He taught me everything he knew of combat so I could protect myself when he could not. Held me through every fear, kissed me like I was a miracle.

[ Her shoulders are hunched tightly, her fingers flexing into the wood. ]

Bastien is kind, yes. But he also cultivated the show of his kindness as a tool. A weapon. He is a Bard, Byerly. As much as he has shown the true kindness in his heart to you— perhaps to me, perhaps to a few others— he has shown a carefully crafted kindness to win secrets, to keep others at a distance and leave them unsuspecting.

If my husband had chosen kindness as his blade perhaps you would have thought him kind. He did not, and you have never looked past what he made of himself to survive the world he was born to. You never cared to look, and you have never trusted me.

[ A shake of her head, as if she could throw off the passion that grips her. ]

Do not dare think you know him better than I. There are none yet living on this earth who know him better than I.